Have you ever walked away from a situation feeling utterly spineless? For this cowardly girl, this is a common occurrence. Granted, there are many situations where it was better that I held my tongue and kept my cool rather than snapping back with a clever retort or flat out telling someone off. A lot of drama and hurt feelings are saved that way. Another portion of these situations that leave me berating myself for not speaking up end up making me feel ridiculously petty in the end. So, again, it was better that I did not open my mouth and mention my discontent with this action or that because it would have only made me appear to be a jerk. Finally, there are those times where I truly should have spoken up because whatever was said or did, left me hurt, offended or conflicted.
Being a completely non-confrontational type is only part of the issue. The second challenge is deciphering which situations fall under what umbrella. Oftentimes, when I do finally get up the courage to put my foot down about a situation, I come across very anal and petty. Harboring hard feelings leftover from the times where I ought to have let my thoughts be known only leads to me exploding over a smaller issue. Let us take for example my husband’s birthday party plans.
I really wanted to go out with him for dinner on his birthday. We had discussed using his Red Lobster gift card that day and so I thought that conversation was us agreeing to the plan. However, when family members asked what he was doing for his birthday, he said “nothing”. I overheard his side of the phone call and was incredulous and hurt. How could he say that? I had been looking forward to our romantic evening together. Then, I channeled my hurt into being indignant at the fact they would ask him what his plans were for his birthday and not me. I mean, if I were planning a surprise or something, he would not have known. Because he told them there were no plans, they planned a birthday party for him and I was disappointed because if I had known he wanted a party I would have planned it. Instead of conveying this in a calm, rational manner, I ended up irate and blamed everyone but me for the circumstances.
His party was hosted by family and held on a different day than his actual birthday. On his birthday we went out for dinner together and had a wonderful time. Unfortunately, to get to that wonderful, tidy conclusion, I had caused a lot of drama. My husband was frustrated, the family members involved clearly thought I was being ridiculous and I wasted a lot of time being angry over something so small…Especially when I could not afford to throw him a party anyhow.
And so, this is what I mean when I say that I never quite know when to bite my lip, when to let it go and when it is okay to say something. Then, there is what do I say once I get there? A lot of my feelings and beliefs are different than those around me. This is one thing that I can foresee being an issue with raising our daughter. My husband and I agree on the big things but there are smaller, probably minuscule things to him, that end up being bigger things because I did not simply say “I’d prefer you not do that” or “Please, do this instead”. I am always afraid I will get that look. The look that says: “Seriously?”
I am very particular. Admittedly, I have some OCD tendencies. I thrive on order, routine and to a certain extent, being in control. When it comes to my child, I am all about control; yet, I end up feeling utterly spineless when it comes to other people’s interactions with her. I always end up feeling like I gave up control and it is my own doing. Instead, I back myself into a corner and watch what feels like a three-ring circus unravel before me. The stress that consumes me could all be alleviated if I simply said “Sweetie, she’s not a doll, please be careful” or “She’s having a cool down time, I’d prefer it if you left her in her play pen.”
Both those phrases end up sounding absolutely awful though! I do not want to hurt anyone’s feelings but I do not want to keep walking away kicking myself over something so small, knowing it is a bigger issue because I will never speak up when I need to. In fact, I blame this insecurity and timidity for my utter failure when it comes to nursing.
I did not speak up in the hospital when after only a few failed attempts at latching the nurse was shoving a bottle of formula in my baby’s mouth. I awkwardly sat there as nurses grabbed my breasts and tried to assist me in my efforts to train my baby (most, if not all, asked but I was so shocked by it that I just kind of nodded). Then, there was the pressure to get her weight up and nurses constantly asking me when I had last tried etc. And when I got out of the hospital I did not really put my foot down and say “Ok, I need to go nurse” when out with family, because they all wanted to see baby so much. She would always be hungry just as we arrived at someone’s home, which one time was to visit her great-grandma who was on brief shore-leave from her cruise and had limited time to see her. If I had gone to nurse, it would have given her maybe ten minutes, tops to see her great-grandbaby. It was a stressful situation and I let it snowball. I did it to myself.
And as I come to a close, I still do not know how to tell when it is worth speaking up. Obviously, there are more times when I need to be clearer, more confident and less wishy-washy in my delivery of information. Then, people would know exactly what I expect from a situation. If I at least make that clear, then if they want to think I am anal or petty, that is their prerogative. I cannot be upset for not speaking up and therefore letting people do things that I disapprove of. I guess I need to strengthen my back bone, define my values and what is most important to me then speak up about those things and not worry about the rest. Phew! Tall order for me but I guess we are all being molded from day to day so this is just one more thing to look forward to growing in.
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