This morning’s church service addressed the issue of contentment. Admittedly, this is something I needed a reminder of because this has been one of the most difficult seasons in many respects. Much of the stress stems from financial issues. It was a hard sermon to swallow, despite agreeing with everything said, because of just how discouraged I was walking into church this morning.
When my husband switched from doing contract web design from home, to being hired on as an official employee in an office, I was assured that things would become more financially stable. Unfortunately, what neither of us anticipated was a new bi-weekly pay scheme. This boiled down to three weeks without a paycheck. Funny thing is, even without money, bills need to be paid and our family needs to eat.
My husband and I sat up crunching numbers until after midnight, trying to foresee what expenses were coming up next month so we knew whether the upcoming paychecks had a hope of covering them. The conclusion was a resounding “No! Not even close!” followed by the disheartening realization that we truly would not be able to buy Christmas gifts for any of our loved ones.
As a Christian, I believe wholeheartedly that there is a lot more to Christmas than presents and as an artist I have made my share of homemade gifts too. However, this is my baby’s first Christmas, and while she will not remember it, I will. My parents are already very disappointed about their inability to buy a lot for Christmas so I was hoping to make the day extra special for them. Top it all off with a blow to my pride and I just started crying. I mean, who enjoys being told numerous times, “You don’t have to get us something?” I do not care how you paraphrase it; there is no way to say it without frustrating me.
I hear, “We know you can’t afford anything, so please don’t buy us anything”. Ok, well, if I do not have money, I cannot get you something regardless of whether you give me your blessing not to. Also, I know I don’t have to buy anyone a gift; I do it because I like putting smiles on the faces of the ones I love. Those who have said it to us mean well, but it does not make me feel better about our financial woes it only brings it to my attention once more. It is like when you are using hand sanitizer and come across a cut you had forgotten about. It stings! Christmas for us has just become one gawdy red and green reminder of how broke we are.
Flash back to Sunday morning. I went to bed feeling defeated and awoke with a sick feeling, immediately aware that we were in the same boat we were in before I shut my eyes. If I had a white flag handy, I would have waved it. That defeated feeling kept me rather unmotivated to get ready for church. In no mood for small talk or faking smiles, I dragged my heels all morning. I was not particularly in the right mindset for receiving conviction either, which is why I kept shuffling along in my morning routine. I knew I needed to get a fresh and godly perspective.
And so, we made it to church. I sat there in my seat, watching the mingling and listening to the din of the chatter until the opening music overtook the noise and the choir sung out. From the beginning to the end of the service God just kept nudging me. My heart broke as the offering plate passed by and I knew we had nothing to put in it. I was blinking back tears and shaking my head at just how relevant the words felt as we sang “It Is Well With My Soul”. Then the Pastor began speaking on contentment. I appreciated it. I knew God was tugging at my heart, especially since I had asked Him to. It was a good thing He obliged so greatly but it all left me emotionally drained.
Emotionally fried, spiritually weak and physically beat I was not in a good state this morning. By the time the last “amen” was said and the congregation started filing out I knew I was on the path to accepting the peace and contentment that had been preached about only moments before. The tears were drying but my attitude still needed a facelift so I just kept praying.
We picked our baby girl up from the nursery and I felt a bit more a spring in my step. The gloom was slowly dispersing when she smiled at me. She was a huge reminder of just how blessed we are and how thankful I am to have her in my life. On the way home, my husband offered to make lunch and do the dishes. God was throwing it all at me. It was becoming more and more impossible to remain in a bad mood. I paid no attention to the restaurants we passed by. I was just thankful for my husband and my baby girl…and such an attentive God. He knew what I needed!
I still cannot tell you how we will make up for a several hundred dollar deficit next month nor what I am going to do for Christmas gifts but I am more optimistic this evening than I was this morning. As my dear husband reminded me, God has not let us down yet and I am sort of excited about the opportunity to make more personalized and heartfelt gifts for people. I only wish I had more time now!
Contentment is not a new issue for me and I am sure it will not be the last time I will need a crash course but I am glad to be in God’s hands and I will throw myself into things that remind me of this provision. In a season where the “magic” of a very commercial Christmas is thrown into my field of vision at every turn, it is a good reminder that God has been in the business of gift giving a very long time, to say the least. His gifts come in much more modest wrappings but they are worth infinitely more than anything I could pick up from a mall. I am thankful for my husband and our baby girl and eternally grateful for the gift He sent to all of us long ago, a baby “wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger”. (Luke 2:12)
God will provide all my needs. I am learning to find true contentment in this.
“For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.”
~John 3:16
Leave a Reply