Saturday, in the wee hours of the morning, I am supposed to be preparing to fly out of here. I am booked on a flight that has one layover and will eventually land in New York state. From there, my friend is picking me up and we are driving to Canada so that I can fulfill my Maitron of Honor duties for her wedding. That part excites me. I am truly honored that even through time and distance she chose me to be the one attempting to keep her calm on one of the biggest days of her life. I am looking forward to hanging out with my uncle the following week and potentially seeing some other extended family members. That’s great. I can wrap my mind around that much. I get tripped up on one detail…that stupid plane ride.
I am afraid of planes, granted, I have mentioned this before…and usually by now I am growing jaded to the fear and starting to release more and more of the situation to God’s hands, where it needs to be. However, this time around, I literally feel like I am staring down the barrel of a gun. I feel like my life is about to end. I have imagined a thousand scenarios where I could get out of it, but the fact of the matter is, to get to the part I want to get to, I must face the seemingly insurmountable fear of flying. I will not have my husband to hold my hand or kiss me softly when the plane jolts and my heart starts to pound. He is staying home because our financial status is much like everyone else’s in the nation…dire. So, missing any amount of work is out of the question, even though we did look into plane tickets yesterday.
Some of you…probably the majority of you, think I am being highly overdramatic. Try stepping into my shoes. Every single second is a battle in my mind to fight off the enemy’s minions and their whisperings and tauntings. They lie to me, I believe them, they play on every fear. They know exactly what sets me off and I really feel like I am about to snap. This trip is only the icing on the cake. It has been bubbling under the surface for some time. I finally grabbed it by the horns yesterday and said "enough is enough". They loved that. Spiritual warfare is quite bothersome to say the least. The thoughts that haunt me are growing quite frustrating. For three nights now I have lied awake, trying to bounce my thoughts to happier themes. I try to be positive…but they throw it all at me. It nags and it pulls at me, it drains me. Once I do sleep, I am still prey to nightmares. I get up and alone in the emptyness of my home, I am an easy target. So, that is what I am dealing with right now. Please stop telling me is "just a plane ride". That is only of consolation if you are operating on any thread of rationality. At this point, all logic is lost on me. I am as irrational as it gets it seems. I have let my emotions get the better of me and emotions are easily manipulated and fickle. I do not know how I am supposed to summon up the strength within two days. I just don’t. I feel a deep sense of impending doom and I know it is not of God. I really do. I have been talking to Him a lot today. I know He is where my strength lies…but I have to learn to trust Him again. Trusting Him should be so easy but again, logic stepped out to lunch at one point and has now been on vacation for several months now, I almost expect a change of address notification to show up.
I probably sound like a loon to any of you who have no idea what spiritual warfare is like but to those who do…please pray. I will not let the Enemy prevail but at the same time, I am at a really low point. I am depressed and emotionally distraught. I do not want to die but I hate being around at the same time. I just cannot stand to be in my head. Usually, I have something encouraging to say…an anectdote about a trial I faced at one point and learned from or a smaller issue that I am learning to cope with…but I do not have any answers at this point. I just want to live again!
"The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds."
~2 Corinthians 10:4~
Leave a Reply