I awoke just moments before my husband’s alarm was set to go off this morning. My body groaned at me, knowing that despite sleeping through the night I was tormented by one long, bad dream. I do not recall exactly what it entailed. I do not remember waking up unable to move because the images in my sleep were so horrendous they rendered me paralyzed by fear (otherwise known as a nightmare). No, I simply had one long stream of conscious that was unpleasant. It left me feeling worn more than anything. My husband rolled out of bed so I turned on the lamp, as usual , and got up as well. He took a shower while I packed his lunch and prepared some breakfast-to-go. After I mustered up the physical strength to do this, I flopped back into bed. I bid my husband farewell and wished him a good day. We prayed, he kissed me and wrapped his arms around me, then he was off to work. Sleep! A quality sleep once again aluded me as I found myself abruptly awakened at 9:00AM. I was about to be found by some man in black with a long blade. Lovely. This was frustrating to the say the least, but the first dream got me thinking. It is how I spend much of my time.
Imagine yourself in a beautiful field of flowers. There are no weeds, the grass is soft beneath your feet and the blue skies above have forbidden the presence of anything but the fluffiest white clouds. The sun is warm on your face and illuminates the world around you. There is laughter. Butterflies dance by you; and you find joy in the simple summer’s day. These are your surroundings but now picture yourself starting to grow paranoid. You see weeds that are not there and looming dark clouds in the distance. You just know something is going to ruin this picturesque scene at any moment. Everyone looks at you, standing still, frowning and wonders "What is wrong with her?" To answer them you list off a myriad of fears; fears of snakes and other dangers, imagined or otherwise. Any console is lost on you at this point though, because logically, it is a beautiful day. You have been to this same place many times before and have never encountered any of the things you dread and yet "This could be the day" you reason (and I use the word "reason" loosely). If you can really imagine this scenario, then perhaps you now have glimpse into what I deal with on a daily basis.
However, this is not meant as a poor me entry. I just thought the previous entry deserved a follow-up, because I was feeling quite bleak last night. I am still nowhere near where I’d like to be but I want others to know that they are not alone. Paranoia, anxiety, depression and fear are all tools of the Enemy. People will tell you you need a therapist or to be medicated but there is only one place that you can find true deliverance from this warped way of thinking. God is bigger than everything and when you have gotten to the point where you fear all because in a sense you feel like you have control, then you have pushed God out of the way. Where does He fit in when you are entertaining thoughts that demons put into your head? Where does He fit in when you need to hold so tightly to the reigns? You are only fooling yourself if you think you have control. God fits in right where He has always been. He is just waiting for you to come back to Him.
I am struggling to throw off the things I have let drag me down but I know that coming to the end of my own strength has led be right back to the only answer there is: God. I hope if you find you are at the end of yourself, that you will finally let God take over. I hope that I will continue to give Him the reigns too!
The Way To Begin
–Krystal Meyers
Dear God
It’s me again down here
Don’t wanna sound insincere
I’m lost
Sometimes you’re so unclear
What can I do?
I’m feeling so far from you
Frustrated
Irritated
Disconnected from it all
The weight of the world
Has pushed me to the wall
I surrender
To you I’m giving in
Come take me
Save me
I want to start again
I’ll open my broken heart
‘Cause I’ve reached the end and
You are the way to begin
I’ve seen a million empty smiles
Living in denial
I don’t wanna live like that
When nothing’s real
I hate how it is to feel
Frustrated
Irritated
Disconnected from it all
I’m breaking
I’m aching for something beautiful
All the riches in this world
Couldn’t fill this great big hole
It takes something so much more
Only you can take me
You can make me whole
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