Admittedly, sometimes when I read the Bible my brain checks out. It’s off making plans for the day, stressing over a thousand things that need to be done right-this-minute, and noting I really need to put on some lotion. It can be hard to focus alone in a quiet room, so it’s all the more difficult to get some real studying of the Bible going when I’m distracted by my family.
I miss going to the ladies Sunday School class at my church, because our teacher always had some wonderful insight into the scripture she shared. Learning the historical background and cultural reasons behind things, including the origins of the words themselves, made it much easier to apply the Bible to my life in the present-day, so far removed from biblical times. I’ve missed a staggering amount of church this year, and it has been a battle against sickness, my chronic illnesses, and my poor mental health to get there at all. Still, being unable to be consistent in my church attendance doesn’t erase my desire to learn more. So, I figured I am a Christian woman, about the same age as the lady teaching the class, I should be capable of digging deeper myself.
~Starting the journey with excitement!~
I prayed about which book of the Bible to dive into, and where to purchase the study. Eventually, I landed on a study from The Daily Grace Co. centered on restoration in the book of Joel. When I started the study in September, I knew I needed to take baby steps, so I planned for Friday’s Bible class to be time for individual devotions or Bible studies. While I worked through Joel, my kids would use that time to have one-on-one time with God. Unfortunately, I had previously conditioned them to expect a special breakfast on Friday mornings, because it used to be our flex day once-upon-a-time. So, I found myself losing precious study time, while the oven beeped that the muffins I made were ready, and then flopping down tired and distracted. My kids would finish before I even got to start, it seemed.
Still, there was a promising start in the written blurbs that helped bring some context to the portions of scripture they had me read. I really wanted to get as much out of it as possible, but the book itself was not enough. I did dig out a commentary one day, but I found myself getting frustrated every time it got to the questions after each day’s reading. They were so broad, and got repetitive. Plus, I have a pet-peeve about books that include prayers for me to pray, or tell me to write out a prayer about a specific thing. I would rather feel sincere when talking to God, and it can be hard to do so when I am repeating someone else’s heartfelt words. Plus, if God has convicted me about something at the end of a session, then I would like to pray about that, rather than shoehorning what the author thinks I should be praying about into my conversation with God. It just feels trite. It’s not a deal breaker, just a personal preference.
My bigger issue is going back to those questions. I wanted to learn more about the history, the background, the context, and instead I kept getting asked questions like, “How can you apply this verse to your life?” There was none of the meat I was looking for, and I set the book down feeling more and more discouraged with every session. Maybe I am just not smart enough, I thought, Or maybe I am just a lousy Christian, so the Holy Spirit isn’t illuminating the scripture for me.
I wrapped up the final portion of reading on December 27th and ended on a low note. I could not figure out what attribute of God I was supposed to find in several of the assigned verses, let alone how it was displayed in said verse. It made me feel even worse about my inability to get something deeper out of my study of Joel. It had taken me so long to finish, because it became something I didn’t look forward to picking up. It’s a beautiful book, but it just didn’t work for me. I wished they had an answer-key for the attributes section, just something that said, “This is what we were thinking [insert explanation here.]”
This is the same format that caused me a lot of grief back in 2016 when I attempted a study of Ecclesiastes from Love God Greatly. I would read the assigned scripture reading, but felt a disconnect from the application questions. It would be a really depressing portion of scripture but the questions would be all cheery, like “How is God good?!” I attempted that one with my husband, who was really starting to struggle with his faith at that time, and it unfortunately drove the wedge of doubt deeper for him because the questions weren’t answered. They just left it up to us to glean something positive, from a book that on the surface seems really discouraging. Someday, I’ll revisit the book of Ecclesiastes but my head and heart were definitely not in the right head space (read: spiraling mentally) to tackle it without guidance at that time.
I don’t regret attempting my study of Joel. I learned what to look for next time in a Bible study, and what format or approach to avoid. I still know more about the book than I did before I began, though not near as much as I hoped I would. If you want a surface-level study, then the Restored study of Joel might be a good fit for you. I want to get into the habit of studying God’s Word more, so I pray that I will make that a priority even though I’ve checked this particular goal off. I also pray that my motivation will be to connect with God, and not to prove to anyone else that I am worthy to be called His child.
~Ending the journey with discouragement and frustration.~
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