Priorities. Depression skews my priorities. My daughter reminded me of this last week when she demonstrated her burgeoning perspective with words that cut me to the core. I sat at the dining room table, tapping away mindlessly on my laptop. I looked up to see my daughter approach me with tears welling up in her eyes. “What’s the matter?,” I asked.
“I just want to spend time with you but all you do is go on your computer,” she sniffed. It was not accusatory. Her tone expressed genuine hurt. Her words stopped me in my tracks and I promptly closed my laptop and redirected my attention toward the blonde-haired, blue-eyed little girl in front of me. I felt terribly for putting my own distress above her needs. When my depression grows I tend to seek out mind-numbing activities. Compulsively checking Facebook or browsing through Pinterest fits that bill perfectly. It is not an intentional slight, but I had forgotten how perceptive she is. My five-year-old reached out and I shook off the clouds for her.
I remembered she had been asking me to paint her nails and immediately set out to do this for her. She perked up right away, grinning as each newly painted nail sparkled or glistened on her tiny hand. Oftentimes I think that God gave me children to help me grow, just as much I am tasked to help them grow. Becoming a mother comes with immeasurable joy, but depression does not answer to logic. Logic would dictate that if there is such a vast amount of joy added to your life, depression should decrease. My daughter and my son pull me out of the fog, though. They draw me out of the persistent gloom when it holds on.
Looking pretty with her freshly painted nails.
This has been on my heart to share since it first transpired, but I have been making an added effort to cope by investing more time in my kids. That means I have not been on the computer long enough to focus on a blog post. It is hard to get past the initial hurdle of abandoning my mindless diversions but once I do it it is rewarding. Painting my daughter’s nails or pushing a toy car along the ground with my son do wonders for my heart. They see the world so simply right now. My little girl could see that my time was not being invested in her. Was I investing it wisely? No. There is nothing wrong with updating my friends and seeing what they are up to, but it is wrong when my daughter thinks that I would rather do those things than spend time with her.
Following an online drawing tutorial with me.
My priorities may get skewed, and depression may be a major catalyst in causing this. Regardless of the reason for my skewed priorities, I am grateful for my two little distractions. They are still quite young, and with that comes an innocence. They forgive readily. They love unconditionally. And they still bare their hearts with honesty most of the time. I am thankful my daughter spoke up and I am equally grateful that she so quickly forgave my error in judgement. She gently reminds me since our discussion, in not so many words, that I need to check my priorities. So now, when my kids ask me to come play with them I stop and consider why I am saying, “no.” When I begin to feel depression swallowing me up, I look at my kids and remember that they are some of the best medicine.
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