Just a few seconds. That is how long it took for my daughter to go from standing by my side, to apparently twirling in the middle of the aisle of the grocery store. This is typical of children, as is the whole not-listening bit, but it was how I was alerted to her whereabouts that got under my skin. I had given her and her younger brother specific instructions to stand beside me and not move, while I grabbed a bag to put the roast I was holding in. Then I hear from behind me, “Oh! Watch out! You’re going to get hit!” I immediately spun around to find Natascha right in the path of an older woman pushing a cart. Naturally, I was annoyed by her behavior and called her over in an I’m-not-happy-with-you tone. My frustration was rightfully aimed at my daughter’s behavior, until the woman said, “Listen to your mother.”
Usually, I apologize to whomever the children got in the way of, but I was embarrassed, and instead of doing this, and then scolding my little one in a loving manner, I laid into my daughter, “Great! Now you’ve got strangers telling you how to behave!”
My husband joined us in the meat department shortly after this, and assisted me with the kids as we navigated the grocery store looking for the rest of the items on our list. The further removed from the incident I got, the worse I felt. I was wrong. My response was totally wrong. She was misbehaving, yes, but her infraction was down here, and my reaction was way up here. I was glad when we were finished, because my the time we got back to the van, I thought I was berating myself for being a huge jerk. I wanted to turn back time and respond with more compassion.
The thing is, I worry so much that I am failing my kids as a mother, that I assume if someone else is correcting my child, they think I am failing to do my job. It is messed up logic, but I have never claimed to be a logical person. The more I thought on this idea, the more I realized that this is true of a lot of things about me. I think so ill of myself, that I project it onto other people as their own thoughts. I unwittingly twist what other people say and do, so that I believe they too see me in the same poor light I do. The woman in the grocery store meant well; she did not want my daughter to get run into by a shopping cart. Even her comment, “Listen to your mother,” was innocent. Instead of seeing this in the moment, I heard, “You’re an unfit mother. Obviously, you haven’t taught your daughter how to behave.” It sounds loony when I type it out, but it is the sad truth.
Unfortunately, and I hate to admit it, when your self-esteem is so low, without realizing it, you also tend to nitpick at people. You get a glimpse of the ugly side of someone’s character and think, “Aha! See, at least I’m not like that!” Longing to hold your own self in higher esteem can lead to squashing others, and I hate that unintentional side effect. I don’t consciously go around looking to find faults in people, but I hate the words of pride that try to console me, “See, you wouldn’t let your kid do that at least!”
I still have a lot to learn, and too many areas in my life I want to improve upon. My character accounts for many of them. It is old news that I am glad to no longer be a teenager. That girl needed some serious character adjustment. Still, I am sure thirty-something me will look back on twenty-something me and say, “Wow…Am I ever glad I am not her anymore!” It is not fun to admit your faults to the world (and it is not fun to have them corroborated by the world either, it tastes bitter) but acknowledging my need for improvement opens the door for the renovations to begin.
Life is full of the need for balance. Having a low self-esteem has turned out to be just as much of a stumbling block in my walk with Christ as pride has. Being bold for Christ and confident in who He made you to be is fine. Thinking He made you above everyone else is not. Being humble is biblical, but flogging yourself for every transgression is not. I have beat myself down and been my own anti-cheerleader in life, but that just renders me ineffectual as an evangelical Christian. I can’t preach the good news when I think my voice is not worth raising above a whisper. I can’t testify of His goodness if I don’t think my life is worth sharing, or be the friend to someone in need if I don’t think I have anything to offer. I have likely missed countless opportunities to be God’s hands and feet to the world because of my low self-esteem.
When I think low self-esteem, I think of high school. I really hoped it wouldn’t be an issue I struggled with as an adult. I wanted to be past that by now. I was hoping to have a better idea of who I am and what I am supposed to be doing. The funny thing is, no matter how long I have battled the poor image I have of myself in my brain, the answer has always been the same. The only thing that has changed is I hear it all the louder. If you want to find out who you are, ask Jesus. If you want to know your worth, ask Jesus. It is all right there on the pages of the Bible, and it’s written on my heart. It’s tumbling around in the empty space in my head too, just waiting to be revisited, to be remembered, and re-applied. I don’t think why the truth of the Bible sometimes gets lost in the short distance from my brain to my heart. I think I allow roadblocks to be built. There are some truths that are harder to swallow than others, sure, but what is so hard to accept about knowing that I am a beautiful creation? Isn’t that a truth I would want to embrace?
Yes! Of course it is! But who doesn’t want me to believe it? As my five-year-old would say, “the Hell Guy.” Yeah, the Hell Guy sees me as I see myself. He sees an ugly, stupid, worthless mother. He sees a shameful sinner, barely clinging to grace. He is the one who sees me in the worst possible lighting (he uses fluorescent bulbs, I presume). Is it a coincidence that the way Satan sees me happens to be how I see myself? If you were sitting there genuinely contemplating this, let me answer it for you, NO! Is it a coincidence that low self-esteem often causes me to react in an unloving manner, to struggle with pride, and keep my lips sealed when it comes to spreading the good news of salvation? No, no, no!
The Hell Guy distorts the truth, and with it he disfigures who I am. I don’t see my own reflection in the mirror. I see what he wants me to see. I keep people at arm’s length, because I think they see it too. If you think you are the lowest common denominator, tell Satan to take a hike! One of those all uphill hikes, the make your calves ache within the first five minutes (yeah, okay, I am seriously out of shape). The point is, send him away! You are listening to the wrong voice.
Once you’ve sent him packing, tune back into the right channel. Jesus is your cheerleader…And not in a pom-pom waving, super perky way. That would be annoying. He wants to see you succeed. He thinks you’re beautiful. He wants to see you sharing your love, spreading His love, reaching a world of lost souls. I think that the closer to Him you get, the louder His voice is, the more you see others. The more see others, the less you focus on yourself. And if you are investing in other people, then you are bound to feel better about yourself, and if you are feeling better about yourself, that tends to show on the outside. This has been a common theme for me this year, but I think it has to be because God is trying to get the message cemented in my head. Writing is how I process, but if you can learn a thing or two along the way from my parenting goofs (aka, what happens when you listen too closely to the Hell Guy), then thank you for coming along on my journey!
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