I will start this entry by simply stating: I am but a sinner
saved by the grace of God. Each day I endeavor to live more like Christ but
many times fall short. However, the more I dive into my Bible, take notes
during church services, share devotion time with my husband, talk to God and
serve in the nursery, the closer I come to obtaining a more Christ like walk.
In short, when I make God the main priority, everything else falls into place a
lot easier.
There are many distractions lurking in the world; things
that will divide your attention. These things seek to divert my focus away from
God and instead settle on self or what pleases me above all. In a world that
touts the mantra “do what feels good” it is an ever-constant challenge to
refrain from fully indulging in those “feel good” activities. It would feel
good to listen to bubbly, beat-thumping songs straight from the top of the charts
and not worry about the fact its lyrics are heavy laden with sexual come-ons
and innuendos. It would feel good to enter Blockbuster and select a movie that
looked appealing without worrying about the 50 f-words slung about in one or
the explicit sex scene in another. Being carefree feels good! Why inhibit my
ability to enjoy the broad banquet of media presented today by getting hung up
on silly, outdated Christian morals?
Because after a time, after numbness sets in and my heart
aches with a dark depression, I find these things do not make me happy. The
only thing that provides any everlasting joy is living a life with God at the
focal point. It is one of those truths I have heard shared in many testimonies
and sermons but it is becoming more and more real. And the more real God is to
me, the less I want any part of this world. Of course, that is just where Satan
waits. So, I know when my walk is strong that I cannot let my radar down. That
is just when he weasels his way in and throws obstacles in my path, in hopes of
getting me to veer off course. I am getting better at noticing these obstacles
but it is still a learning process.
My whole perspective on life shifts when He is
first in my thoughts and actions. Ideals that I once thought were old-fashioned
and prudish somehow make sense to me now. This at times makes me fear that I am
now becoming the people I once thought were "anal lunatics" with a
holier-than-thou agenda to preach, especially in light of how my friends and
family react to my high-standards. The fact is, it is actually God’s standard,
not mine and these people are actually to be examples of how to truly walk
uprightly.
I applied to three colleges my senior year of high school,
all Christian schools. I remember being incredulous that one did not allow
dancing. Seriously? Shows like So You
Think You Can Dance? and Dancing with
the Stars are admittedly addicting.
How people can twist, bend, leap and glide in unison so flawlessly just
instills awe in me. Partner these dancing skills with killer choreography,
fresh music and the heat of competition and you have a recipe for hours of
entertainment. Yet, as I sat watching the first of these shows with my Mom one
evening, I found myself uncomfortable. Somehow, viewing the dances with my Mom
made me awkwardly aware of how scantily clad many of the dancers were and how
sexually charged the routines were. It is not that I had not noticed this
before; I had simply been able to turn a blind eye to it. You can
justify a lot of things to yourself but it makes you think twice when you are
exposing someone else to media that is perhaps not always edifying.
My husband and I would love to learn to dance with one
another, but that is just that: we want to learn to dance with each other. The
way these dancers move often simulates sex and really much of it just looks
like heated foreplay. That is something reserved for a husband and his wife and
certainly not meant for public viewing. So, while I do not believe that dance
in and of itself is a sinful act, I can see how it would be difficult as a
college to define how students can and cannot move to the music at a school
function. It is perhaps easier in such a large body to instead teach through
example and Bible study rather than to hold a dance and lecture “Nuh uh…no
gyrating! Keep your hands above the waist!…No closer than a foot!"
The same goes for the college I did eventually determine to
attend. They had so many rules that I thought were absurd and invasive. You
could not go to the movie theater. There was a strict dress code to adhere to.
We had a stickler of a monitor who rated how clean our rooms were each morning,
had to attend every service the church we decided upon held, routinely attend
late-night “devos” as a dorm, be sure to show up for chapel every day, could
not have a television in our room etc. etc. They certainly kept us sheltered
and I hated it. I was unappreciative of it. I rebelled against it, in that I quit.
I walked away from a godly institution because I was at a very immature place
spiritually. Somehow, God turned my foolishness around for good and allowed me to
marry a strong, Christian man. Through him and his loving reproofs, coupled
with his constant striving to keep God at the forefront of not only his life
but our marriage, has made a world of difference in me.
Looking back, I now see the wisdom behind many of the rules
put in place at my conservative Bible college. There is no sense in clinging to
regrets but I can learn from this and continue to do so. As God works in me, the
bitterness I harbored toward that period of my life dissipates and I can
finally stop berating myself for the mistakes of the past. Instead, I can move
forward, determined to continue having my eyes open to the revelations in God’s
master design for how we ought to live. As a child of God, it becomes so much
more than a list of do’s and don’ts when your life is centered upon the One it
should be. Somehow, your perspective just gets clearer.
When sources outside of God or even the most
well-intentioned of us steer you off course, look up. Look up ‘til all you see
is Him. Open your heart so all you hear is Him. And walk so all people see is
Him in you. Any good in me is God. As I said when I started this, I am but a
sinner saved by grace. You and I will face obstacles along the narrow way. It
is par for the course. Expect them and you will be better equipped with the determination
to get up if it knocks you down. You will have the willpower to side-step the
stumbling blocks. But if you do find yourself muddied by the path your face
just met, even if it seems like the millionth time you have tripped over the
same rough patch, even if you do not feel like you will ever get to greener
pastures, continue to turn that dirt-stained face upward and to God. Take it
from someone who has taken a number of tumbles in her young life: There is a
dawn but in order to see it, you must
focus on the Son.
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