I know I have a tendency to blend in nicely with my
surroundings; that is to say, I am a terrible wallflower. To make eye contact
is terribly awkward because one must now either smile or be engaged in
conversation. I am not very good at small talk so it does not take long before
I am divulging personal anecdotes and so forth that most people would keep to
themselves or at least share with a select few. Nerves may very well be the
culprit behind this unfortunate running of the mouth. It is not that what I share
is inappropriate, I just seem to feel as if I need to offer some grandiose back
story to ever bunny trail I hop on in order to fully acclimate the listener
with the events surrounding the minuscule tale I began with. The truth is, I
really do not need to provide such a detailed background.
For example, if someone asks if I have ever been
hospitalized, I can merely say “yes” and if they ask for an explanation I can
simply offer up that I was indeed kept in the hospital a few days after my
birth because of my low birth weight. To every person I come across, I need not
share that I was hospitalized in tenth grade after several sessions with a
secular psychiatrist who deemed it necessary that I be admitted because of my
weight. It was a ridiculous time in my life and has completely soured my whole
impression of the psychiatric profession as well as the treatment of women with
eating disorders. My disorder was still one in the head and not of God, but it
was not because of a poor self image. And I have no qualms about sharing this
story with anyone who inquires about it because it made a huge impact for the
better in my life. There are previous blog entries that touch on this low point
in my life as well. When I say I need not volunteer it to everyone, I simply
mean there are some who may not understand. And if I have little time to make
an impression, I would be better off chatting about the weather than digging up
deep spiritual revelations.
It is this strange mix of timid and my lack of succinctness
that makes the art of conversation somewhat of a challenge for me. While part
of me worries about every hidden meaning that could be derived from what I have
said, the other part worries about the words that were not hidden but quite
open. I feel like everything that comes out of my mouth is a direct reflection
of who I am. It shows how I process thoughts and how I view the world around
me. Opinions and observations, even the most mundane, are indicative of how my
brain works and who I am as a person.
I am also a strong believer that that tongue can offer
lashings where none are warranted. The tongue can slip some of the worst things
from between your lips and I am very guarded about how I express myself so as
not to offend someone. I do not mean as far as political correctness but to an
extent one must exhibit tact in order to not alienate someone completely. I do
not swear but there are some words that I consider crude that escape me from
time to time. And so, with the hefty weight I put behind words, the tongue and
the art of conversation, it is no surprise that I get very frustrated with
human interaction.
Where is the balance? Sometimes, people respond to my
thought-out questions with one word answers. There is no elaboration. This
leaves me wondering if I should ask a follow-up question or move on. Am I
boring this person already or are they distracted? It irks me so much to feel
like I am just another tab on someone’s computer screen (I am referring to
instant messaging, of course). I will share two or three sentences about what
is new in my life only to get “Cool” or “lol” and on some occasions, silence.
Even if the statement I just made was in all seriousness the other person types
back “lol”. Am I really that awkward to talk to? Is there something off putting
about me? Why do people suddenly appear offline when I say “hello” to them?
Ugh.
I suppose this is just stemming from my own desire for
self-betterment and my desire to be more approachable and at the same time be a
better judge of whether people want to just have a light-hearted chat or a real
heart to heart. I am more inclined to the latter of those two, which I suppose
can be a downer to some people. I just have a lot of stuff on my mind and am
introspective. Outside of my husband, I have not really found someone who I can
share these conversations with without them suddenly bursting into giggles
because they cannot be serious any longer. That aside, it is also my
frustration with the dying art of conversation.
Are we that much of a texting and IMing society that we have lost
all ability to convey full thoughts with text? Is typing a sentence from
capital letter to punctuation really that complicated? Is a coherent thought
too much to ask for? Is some time and energy focused on the task of talking to someone
really that difficult? I know my attention span wanes and my listening
abilities could use some fine-tuning but I could really go for one of those
old-fashioned tea parties where the ladies sat around and chatted. We are
always on the go; Always multi-tasking. Sometimes, we just want to feel like we
have someone’s attention. It may not need to be his/her FULL attention but at
the very least appear to be interested in what I have to say. If you are not,
do not initiate a conversation or just tell me you are busy. It is better to be
brushed off early on than to end up talking to yourself or feel as if you are
discussing your life with one of those magic 8 balls.
There is no real conclusion to this line of thinking. I just
needed to get it on paper because I am lonely, bored and frustrated at what of
this predicament is my fault and disappointed that my contacts do not really
meet me half way either. “What is one thing you would change about Melissa?” is
one question a friend answered about me on Facebook recently. Her response “She
doesn’t call enough” to which I badly wanted to reply “It goes both ways”. I
shall be pondering what I can do to improve my social ineptness but at the same
time thank you to those of you who take the time to truly care about my life
(good, bad and ugly). I hope you know how much I care about you as well.
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