Up until this month, I have suffered from a severe form of writer’s block. The well of ideas and inspiration in my life had run dry. This was largely attributed to the disconnection from Christ I was experiencing. For the past two years I have felt like I was tossed onto a raft and pushed out to sea. Some days I drifted along while the calm waters passed beneath my rickety mode of transportation. Other days I was violently thrown about, clinging ever so tightly to my raft. After the storm, I was left bruised, broken and emotionally spent. There were even the few times where I thought I saw land appearing on the horizon. I thought I would finally be able to squish the sand between my toes. However, a few feet from shore I would veer in the wrong direction and be swept back out to the open sea. This pattern has become so engrained in my life, that I am so afraid that where I am at now won’t stick.
I finally got off the raft. I am standing on the shoreline but the world around me is still undulating. For so long I have been at sea, that I cannot focus as clearly as I would like to. Still, I am happy to be back on dry land. It is nice to sit down for a moment to catch my breath. A wellspring of ideas and inspiration now fill my once uninspired mind. I can hear Christ calling me back. He was there along, acting as a lighthouse on the coast. Guiding me through the fog, being my eyes when I could not see but I did not always credit Him. I knew I was somehow remaining afloat, wasn’t suffering from starvation and had my wits about me most days. Don’t get me wrong, there were days when my eyes grew weary, the rocking motion was nauseating and I contemplated slipping off the side and just going under. I do not mean I literally wanted to end my life, I simply mean I wanted to let go and give up on fighting the battle I was in. In case I have lost anyone, I am using the illustration of being lost at sea, to being apart from Christ. Home, in His arms, is back on solid ground. The sea, was the world and everything else Satan could throw at me, trying to consume me and take me under. I clung to my faith, not with as much strength as I would have liked but by His grace, I am standing before you.
Now that I am full emboldened again for Christ, bursting at the seams with lessons I have learned which I want to share, I hear the crashing of waves growing louder. I was curled up, content in my humble home, but I find myself walking toward the crystal blue waters again. If I get too close, I know I’ll be swept up in its currant again. Once out there, I will realize it is not as appealing as I once thought. The water is cold, it’s bitter in my mouth and I cannot see the bottom. It completely contradicts the clear, clean pool I can see now. I know these things, yet I feel the push and pull. It is a struggle to turn and walk away. It is so hard to fight back. It requires strength. It requires faith and endurance. It requires trust. It requires a great deal of patience and self-discipline. Turning away, requires obedience.
In Joseph M. Stowell’s book Radical Reliance: Living 24/7 with God at the Center he states that resisting tempation is an expression of love to Christ. It says that God is more important than our lustful and sinful desires. I want to show Him that He is more important than my desire to throw my hands in the air and give up again. It is so hard to remember this when the wind picks up and I look at my home and think "It’s too small", or look at my Savior and say "You’re not enough". I desperately want to flee to the leisurely bob along the waters, forgetting all the hardships and turmoil I experienced out there. I must learn to rely on Christ for all I need and allow Him to be my stronghold. I want to live with Him at the center so that I do not lose this momentum. I want to be consistantly writing entries for my blog, not because I am knowledgable but because He is speaking through me. If I am out to sea, I can barely hear His voice. Thankfully, I have never been so far gone that I cannot hear Him at all. I do have family and friends who speak the truth over my life.
I have made similar declarations in the past. I came ashore long enough to catch a glimmer of what I had lost, but not long enough to put down roots, to chain myself to something solid. I was back to being aimless and depressed soon after. So, that is why I say I hope not to return to where I have been these past two years. It will take a lot more discipline than I have at present but I would do well to learn. It will take a great deal more strength than I possess, but God has more than enough to spare. I am also blessed with a friend whom I can tell anything to, regardless of how silly I feel in sharing it. He knows my fears, my insecurities, my spiritual strongholds and he is right alongside me, praying, holding me accountable and dishing out the tough love when needed, but holding me close when a gentle love is needed. He is my husband and I love him dearly. He is indeed a blessing. Above all, I have a God who never strays, hears my prayers, disciplines me, offers grace and mercy and loves me beyond measure. It is so easy to write all this. They are merely words though, the true test and challenge starts ater I hit "publish".
Leave a Reply