Where Did I Go?

October 15, 2008

Where Did I Go?

Shortly after Ray returned home from work, he announced he was going to cut the grass. I was determined to join him out back so I could take in the beauty of the day before us. Without missing a beat I stepped outside, closed the front door behind me and walked to the side gate which opens up to our backyard. I swung the gate to the side revealing the pathway alongside our home which leads to the rest of our spacious yard. This is where I froze. Sunshine engulfed me as a cool breeze brushed my face and arms. I inhaled deeply, soaking it all up. The open space beyond the narrower passageway beckoned me but I remained planted. Just around the corner Ray had begun to mow the lawn, sending the smell of fresh cut grass drifting on the air. I longed to be by his side, so I took one hesitant step forward, then another, another, and then just one more.

I froze midway, cautiously eyeing my surroundings for…snakes. Suddenly feeling trapped, I did a 180 and retreated. Perhaps if my flip flop clad feet were more protected I would feel better stepping into the tall grass. Inside, I slipped on a pair of socks, put on my running shoes and did up the laces. In an effort to provide myself more motivation to go into the backyard, I poured Ray a cup of ice water. When I got to the entrance, I again hesitated but not for long.

I could see Ray in the distance which sparked a sense of boldness, so I made my way to him, drink in hand. He seemed grateful for the refreshment and I was grateful to be by his side…FINALLY! Oh the dramatics! For the next hour I kept to his side, still darting my eyes around from time to time for…snakes. Our little mower was out of commission for a time, so the grass was quite overgrown in parts. A jungle of sorts had formed just outside the back door; overtop the path between the workshop and our shed. As I watched my husband begin to plow through it, something leapt out from the overgrown mass of green. It was a toad! However, he had not jumped in time and was now missing a couple appendages. It was heartbreaking to watch this tiny creature hopping about, probably in shock. I knew Ray felt terribly as well, but there was little he could do about it. He did however cease mowing and pull up some of the weeds by hand. After causing enough of a stir to have likely scared anything else off, he continued to mow. We kept an eye on the toad still, making sure not to step on him but I do not think he survived.

Our next adventure was my fault in part. The branches on our trees were getting a bit long, so I asked if Ray would mind trimming a few of them back. I did not realize that to do so would mean cutting through the thicker branches further back. I just thought he could snip off the twigs. He set to work anyhow, with the pruning sheers he had requested for another task, until he came to an abrupt stop. His face turned to a grimace as he now clung to only half of the pruning sheers. The second half was still stuck in the tree. He pulled the bar down but half of the blade remained embedded. Note to self: Buy new pruning sheers.

Despite the sadness of mortally wounding one of God’s creatures and the frustration that accompanied trimming the tree, it was an enjoyable time. I even mowed for a tiny bit!

I share all this because it was such a beautiful day and it was silly of me to be so scared. I let the fear of seeing a snake keep me from just getting out there and enjoying the world God created. And the funny thing is, we didn’t see any! In fact, at one time I even felt myself relax a bit. Well, point is I am making efforts to be the girl I used to be (some aspects, not all).

I just miss the girl who went fishing with her grandpa on the lake and didn’t mind so much having to rip a worm in half and slip it on the hook. I want to be that girl that spent hours in her grandma’s garden digging for worms, or with her friends collecting snails off of plants. I want to be the girl who walked home from school alone or to her friends’ houses without worrying about cars or any other harm that could befall her. Where did that girl go? Where did the girl go that was more excited about the destination than she was fearful of the flight? What did I do to sabotage the girl that was willing to go into New York City on a train, bustle around the city with her boyfriend, hailing taxis if necessary? I want my sense of adventure back! I want to be the girl that eventually went back in the water, even after seeing a snake in it. I want to be the girl that tobogganed down hills on a crazy carpet or bent down to pet toads. I used to want a reptile for a pet more than anything. I used to collect rubber lizards, stick suction cup lizards to my windows and go "aww" whenever I saw a picture of one…Now, I have real lizards clinging to my windows and an abundance of them running about my yard and I am scared of them!