I have been dying inside. When I first noticed, the pain seered me through and through. I felt myself falling apart and watched as the things left in my charge fell too. Slowly, I succumbed to the hold the enemy had on me. The pain ebbed but in its place was a big, empty, void. Numb to the deteriortion taking part inside I felt miserable, yet comfortable. Anyone or anything that attempted to prick my heart and stir any sign of life in me, I shut out. God faded into the background because He made me feel again. He made me want to live but living for Him had left a bitter taste in my mouth. It had opened my vulnerable heart to attack from strangers, friends and family who felt my stance to be harsh. Satan used someone close to me to break me. That hole was then open to any other negative words. It grew and grew to form the big, empty void in my life.
The depth I used to feel His presence could swallow me whole. I can’t even soak my feet in the puddle that the depth has become. I was dealt a discouraging and painful blow last year. I began the year full of optimism and eager to share the joy He placed in my heart. Somehow, God was lost in the translation through the reader’s eyes and thus the backlash fell squarely on my shoulders. I was merely a vessel but I began to take the blame squarely on my shoulders. That weight knocked me down. I forgot who I was writing for. I forgot why I was writing. The pain clouded my vision. Bitterness set in. I grew fervent in my desire to write blogs that conveyed the same point repeatedly. Maybe one of the entries would say it how I had meant to share the message all along. Maybe those who had hurt me would finally see where I was coming from. It did not work though. I made a few more half-hearted efforts and eventually stopped writing about my faith.
So, what changed? To be perfectly honest, I am not sure exactly what the catalyst was. I do know, I may have been numb to Him but He hadn’t departed from me. In the moments throughout 2006 where I felt I was breaking down, He was there to rock me in His arms. He used Ray many times to encourage me and because of this, I didn’t completely phaze God out of my life. Another January has passed. This time I am watching my husband’s heart being fueled by God’s fire. He posted a message on his myspace account that is completely from the heart but already he has one comment that obviously is not written someone with a receptive heart. It hurt to read their comment because it stirred up the pain I’ve felt and the overwhelming helplessness of "God, why can’t I explain it right? Why can’t they see what I see?" Seeing it from an outside perspective helped though. I did not write the message he posted, but I know where he was coming from. Yet, he already has someone telling him he shouldn’t be trying to "convert" people. Satan is such a lying, jerk!
Satan used a weakness in my heart to make me crumble. He poked at it until I fell. He told me I was narrow-minded and judgmental. He told me I was being foolish and wasting my time. I believed him. I actually let him strike a servant of God out of service. I let him silence my small voice. I spent 2006 dying inside! Well no matter what he wants me to believe I know the truth. My heart is full of God’s love and I just want to share it with the world. It breaks my heart to think of the ones I love, living an eternity in Hell. We are all sinners in need of a Savior and I am glad I repented and accepted that gift. Love is sharing the gift and not keeping it myself. There are many ways I can say it but instead of writing blogs from every angle there is something else I can do. I can fervently pray. I wanted to change the world overnight but as you can see, it takes time to mold people’s hearts. It took a month to knock me down and a year to build me back up, but here I am. God is doing something in me.
I cried when I shared with my husband, that for the first time in awhile I had several blog ideas to choose from. I felt God’s presence in my life. My toes may be barely splashing the surface now, but His love is flowing in all around me, filling the void. He’s going to swallow me up in the depths of His love again. I must confess I still resist a bit because I fear more backlash. However, who better to suffer for than the One who suffered beyond my comprehension? He was willing to die for me and I can’t handle an unkind word? With God’s help, this time, I am going to toughen my backbone without compromising my heart. Boy, it feels good to be back!
Daddy, here I am again
Will You take me back tonight
I went and made the world my friend
And it left me high and dry
I drag Your name back through the mud
That You first found me in
Not worthy to be called Your son
Is this to be my end
Daddy, here I am
Here I am again
Will You take me back tonight
I went and made the world my friend
And it left me high and dry
I drag Your name back through the mud
That You first found me in
Not worthy to be called Your son
Is this to be my end
Daddy, here I am
Here I am again
(Prodigal-Casting Crowns)
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