I sometimes feel like a sculptor who just revealed his/her latest piece to the world but no one showed up to see. The artist is left standing there next to the work they put hours and days into, tears and emotion, pain and exhaustion. They are left feeling as if their work is fruitless. I keep returning to that point. I spend hours writing and perfecting a story, poem or blog. I’ll then hit "publish" with eager anticipation of the responses I’ll receive. Not that I feel I am so great that people who do not know me will flock, but I do have a number of people on my msn list who know me. Yet, my story I put my heart into has sat with one comment…and it’s from my dad. Of course, I am sliding into self pity. This is not supposed to be about me. It’s supposed to point everyone to my wonderful, merciful Savior. However, if no one is reading, then very few are even getting the opportunity to be directed. I know people get busy and have other things on their minds. I know if I was in college an had to be once again reading ALL the time, the proposition of sitting down and reading yet another lengthy page of words would be daunting. I am just letting myself get down once more.
None of you know what I have faced through the past week. That’s the beauty (and ugliness) of the internet. I can type a phrase or word, but you will take it however you want. You won’t necessarily catch on to my somber disposition unless I blatantly say something to that effect. Anyway, I am not completely depressed. I know there is hope in Jesus and I keep reaching for it. I just grow weak at times. I let go of a stronghold that has had its hold on my for years. Since that week-end I have been hit from every angle with every the fears and weaknesses I have. If I refuse to succumb to one stronghold, Satan throws one of my other’s at me, or comes from a different angle. I’ve had fears swirling in my head, panic attacks, felt miserable, wanted to run from the church and now I believe he is playing the "discouragement" card. It is the one where he reminds me of all the things I want to do and do to the glory of God, but that are not working out. At least they seem to be failing. I’m not as patient as people believe me to be. There are some situations where I can wait, but when it comes to matters like this, I want immediate results. "Ok, God! You called me to write on your behalf and to share what you have shown me in my life. You have created me to serve you. I want to have a ministry, this is something I can do from my home. Why isn’t it working? Why am I not reaching anyone? All I face is adversity on the points that matter most!" Then I cool off, ponder over my full mind and try to break through. I’ve had similar blogs like this one. It goes to show how much of a battle it is. It goes away for a bit, but then I let myself get so down. This time Satan used the fact that my story does not seem to have been read by anyone I wanted to read it. Have I really advertised that it is there? No, not completely. To be honest, I am afraid if I ask for critique all I will get is negativity. That happened once before. I asked God for comments and reaction to my blogs, to spur me on. What I got was an onslaught of adversity. If you notice, my blogs stopped for awhile after that. My heart was not in them. I came back with a vengeance, but it was more out of sheer "If I don’t write this I am going to be standing here banging my head against the wall." However, writing my defenses against what I believe only proved to be as fruitful as banging ones head against a wall. At least, that is how it feels.
I’ve been really tapping into my character lately. I’m realizing that Melissa has an awful lot to offer. I don’t need to be anyone else, and I don’t have to have a worldwide fan club to touch lives for God. My heavenly Father tells me I am beautiful and my husband makes sure to remind me of this, and to tell me he agrees with Him. He is the only person who actually makes me feel like I am a young lady. I’m not "cute" or thirteen. In his eyes I am a woman of God. That is a boost I need. My self-image has hit an all-time low, only because I finally decided to evaluate how I look at myself. In doing so, I realized I spent my entire life desperately trying to be someone else in my head. I created a whole different person in my mind that I would rather be. Living up to the standard I fabricated up in that brain of mine was not (and is not) easy. Focusing on reality is harder than I thought. In my head I can be 5’9" but in real life I am constantly compared to midgets and adolescents. I have people younger than me treating me as if I am a doll or something. Then there are the other people who seem to feel I need a desperate makeover. Yes, I could update my wardrobe a little, try to style my hair more…but I never do it on my terms. I just give in and accept that I am beauty/fashion illiterate. Well, I’m not your pet! I know a lot of them mean well, but it just hurts. I left college feeling low as dirt because I was the one girl in my suite who did not dress how everyone else dressed, or style her hair, or wear makeup. To them, that meant beauty…to me that meant, "Ok, that’ll finally make me attractive and confident." It did for a moment or two, but I was still me…awkward old me. It’s not just about physical appearance either. Satan is attacking my passions. He tries to peel me away from Ray, because he knows the growth that has come over me in the time I’ve spent with him (2 years in June–as a couple). Satan also tries to take me away from God.
He has got me blaming God for all the bad things in my life. I spilled a cup of pop all over my books and the carpet. Instead of acknowledging that it was just a spilled cup of pop and that it was probably an intervention on another’s behalf to distract me (because we were in the middle of breaking through some strongholds) I looked up and said "Very funny!" I wasn’t laughing either. I just blamed this spill on God. My books’ pages were all wavy and I was quite upset. "This is why I can’t keep anything nice. Thanks a lot!" I continued. Ray was quick to snap me back to reality. I frowned, cried and apologized to God. To be honest, realizing that Satan is the weaver of bad things, not God, was a revelation beyond words. It is something I should know, but never fully grasped. In renouncing the hold he had on me, I felt immediately closer to God than I had been in quite some time. I was eager to share all that had transpired, and wrote a raw and candid account of it all…then decided I was not ready to share it with the internet world. However, it does not matter that you necessarily know all I faced but that you know I am still standing.
Saturday night I was watching a family movie with Ray. It ended and I smiled. I told him his picking it out because he thought I’d like it worked out, because I did. Then, out of nowhere I just started to sniffle. Tears began to well up in my eyes. I felt like someone had just told me my dog died. Ray looked at me for the second time that evening, helpless. I had previously broken down for a brief moment, regained composure and went on. That was at the beginning of the movie. Now, he sat and watched my tears flow, not sure what to do. I ran over to him and asked him to help me figure out what triggered it. He asked me a few questions. When he got to the question about missing my family I lost it. I began to sob rather loudly and I moved to the other couch. I just sat there, head in my hands. My chest was tight and I was having difficulty breathing. The worst part was that I kept feeling more and more upset. It was not stopping. There was a buildng sensation in my body, as if I’d reach a peak of some sort, but I was scared to find out what that was. Would I start having an asthma attack, or worse a heart attack? Would I pass out? I was so scared, but I just felt heartbroken. Ray held me again and this time I asked him to pray. We both prayed. I did not feel well right away but slowly I gained back my composure. To end the evening we went to do devotions. Unfortunately, this was not followed by a pleasant night’s sleep. This was the night we sat in the emergency room, waiting to get Ray in.
My point in sharing that small glimpse into my battle, is so you know that you can win. Even in my most vulnerable state, I clung to God. If I had not been saved, honestly I am scared to think what might have happened that night. Believe me, I think I would be a lot worse off. Knowing God was there, that I could call on His power (which is infinitely stronger than Satan’s) and win, was what brought me through. He will try to deceive me into believing that God is behind all my sorrows. He will try to deceive me into believe that God inflicts harsdships and pain on me just for the sake of doing it, after all it makes us stronger. He will try to take any work (art, writing, singing) I do for the Lord and make sure I do not feel it is worth it. He’ll try to get me to quit. He doesn’t want me to win souls for God. He doesn’t want you to either. He’ll do his best to trip us up enough to break our spirits, so we are not affective ministers of God’s word. The trick is not to give up.
Not giving up…wow, that is hard. There have been times where I wanted to just erase my blogs or start writing comedies or something that would gain more readers. I have abandoned my markers and crayons and believed there is no point in putting my emotions into artwork. I don’t have any artistic talent. Right now I am fighting that one. God wants us to be successful. It takes time and it takes patience. There is an awful lot of waiting involved. I never thought I’d marry because I could not even get a guy interested. Finally, at the end of 10th grade, a young man asked me to prom. We did not end up staying together, but I did know Ray and we went to our senior prom together. We went as friends but we were closer than that. We were best friends. So, we began dating and now we’re married. I did not think I was going to college either. They were having problems with my ID and such. I spent the whole summer knowing there was a good chance I was not going to college. Then, only a couple weeks before school would start, I found out they managed to make it work. I was going to school! It is hard, but sometimes you just have to wait. God is working in the background. It’s like a play where you are left in darkness for a moment while there is a scene change. You cannot see what is transpiring on the stage, or behind the scenes, but you trust that things are moving. When the light returns you see a whole new scene. If God has called you to do something, and you believe you have His blessing but you suddenly start to doubt…do not think it is because God is rooting for you to fail. You can guess who that is! I know it took me years (and I am still learning) to start staring the devil down and saying "Back off!" I feel called to write, so that is what I do. It is up to God who He touches and there is a lot that goes on behind the scenes. My dear uncle has printed off copies of my stories to share with co-workers, and my dad reads my blogs. My husband regularly reads them as well. Although they are people I would hope to read them, they are still people being touched by the words God has lead me to write upon the pages. I try to remind my dad of the same thing when he feels discouraged about teaching…It’s not about the few who refuse to do well or blame their inability to pass on you, it is about the few who go home raving about Mr.Perry’s class or come to him asking for advice. Likewise, it is not about the masses flocking to my site to share in my intimate details but about the few who choose to read what I take the time to share and are encouraged by it.
I do hope and pray that you will not allow yourself to be swallowed up in darkness. You each have unlimited potential and God wants to see you shine. Satan wants to slip you up and you just have to prepare for that. Grab a Bible and start memorizing scripture that will fend him off from your particular weakness. God gave us that weapon. Use it!
"For the word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart." —Hebrews 4:12
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