The smell of sunscreen is lingering on my arms and the sun is peaking through the clouds. Birds are chirping and the trees are only slightly rustled by a breeze. To step outside you feel the warmth of the sun wrap you up. It feels like a Summer’s day. I took a bike ride this afternoon to the library. If only it were more peaceful and not such a place of hustle and bustle. I would have enjoyed a leisurely bike ride than being on constant guard for pedestrians and vehicles. However, it was still enjoyable. I was unable to find anything that screamed "Ray" but I walked away with two movies that I think he’ll at least tolerate. A quick trip to the dollar store reminded me of how incredibly awkward I am and clumsy, but I managed to juggle the bags and hook them onto my bike handles. Upon returning home I realized there was only an hour before the earliest time my husband arrives home. This pleased me (since I knew he was not on a delivery route today—there was hope!) and I enthusiastically placed my purchases in their rightful locations and set about passing the time. For the fifth or so time I hit "play" on my cd player and listened to Natalie Grant’s Awaken. It is such an inspirational, catchy CD and it put me in a good mood. I made the mistake of attempting the alter ego game once more, and since I had been answering the questions how I honestly would in real life, it felt like the results were a real reflection of me. I let the words of the songs I was listening to soak in and took in the smell of the sunscreen I had applied to my fair skin. Since my return home I had also replaced my heavy jeans with a pair of shorts. (Though, with the air conditioning it grows quite chilly rather quickly.) It felt like summer! I had been feeling so stuck and could not see past my current state and situation. Then I thought of the sand and the blue ocean, the warmth of the sun hugging me, picnics in the park and barbecues.
It is no secret that my favourite season is summer, and it is so strange to think of it being March 3rd and then step outside. What a difference it is from the snow storm my parents just had in New York. Florida has not been in my good graces for silly reasons and genuine concerns. However, storms aside it is a perk living in the warmth. It irked me to miss winter and fall because I was used to them but this has helped me so much. My allergies are better overall, and this type of weather cheers me up. Now, I am afraid it will grow old but it’s all in attitude. Easter is fast approaching and I am eager to celebrate. It is about our Savior’s gift of salvation and the blood he shed for us on the cross, but I must confess I also enjoy the egg hunts, bunnies and pastel colours associated with the holiday. I found renewed hope after my outing. It has been hard for me because I get so discouraged and depressed sitting at home. When I get up and do something it is amazing how much better I feel. People tried to tell me, but hey…I can be stubborn too. I am also looking into getting back into an exercise routine. I have determined to re-work my weekly "to do" list. God does have a plan for me and I want to believe it is bigger than merely existing. That is what I am doing presently…existing. For this I am grateful, but what a sad life. I’m still young and I still have a chance to shape my future to meet up with God’s plan and be a more confident, well-rounded creation. Natalie Grant sings "So you wanna change the world? What are you waiting for?" Good question. I grappled with it in my earlier blog of the day. The thing is, I am waiting for my problems to all disappear, for me to overcome silly fears by not confronting them, for the goals I am enthusiastic about to be planned out for me and land in my lap and for my body to just firm up while I sit on the couch. How can I honestly expect to achieve the life I want and keep getting "engerized" about if I do nothing to make it happen? I am trying to live vicariously through others. That doesn’t work. I’ve worked my butt off to accomplish things that are important to me before, what’s different. Yeah, I don’t have my parents around to do all the leg-work and so forth. Raymond finally confronted me about the fact he feels our relationship is unbalanced. I gave it some thought and he is right. I use him as a crutch for anything I just don’t feel like doing and that is wrong. He is twenty and going to work each day to provide for the two of us. He goes out and gets anything I need if I ask it of him and he also helps out around the house with laundry and such. It’s time I get my act together and stop expecting others to pick up the pieces, especially when I am a walking contradiction and hate it when others butt in. So, the moral of the story is to just get in there and do what needs to be done to get where you want, to be who you want and most importantly be who God wants. I have a loving husband that I am looking forward to spending many years with and eventually expanding our family with. I’ve never really taken care of myself and my mom always half joked (and half serious) that I needed to marry rich so I’d have a butler. Now that I’ve been enlightened I suppose I can tell Ray to drop the Jeeves act and take some of the responsibilities on myself. I am so proud when the house looks clean and tidy. It feels so homey! Plus, my love for Ray is reinforced through actions and he notices. Check out The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. It’s a great resource, and he has different versions too. I want to live everyday like it’s summer. Maybe a splash of sunscreen each day will get me through or perhaps I will learn to make it a state of mind. Make sure to LIVE your life.
SO YOU WANNA CHANGE THE WORLD?
WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?
YOU SAY YOU’RE GONNA START RIGHT NOW.
WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?
IT ONLY TAKES ONE VOICE
SO COME ON AND SHOUT IT OUT
GIVE A LITTLE MORE
WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?
—NATALIE GRANT (FROM AWAKEN CD)
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