“I hate you,” I glared at the figure in front of me, “I hate you!”
No retort was offered. She simply returned my glare with her bloodshot eyes. Small tears trickled down her cheeks, dropping in the space between us. Her hands trembled, like she was trying to keep it all together but was on the brink of failing to. I should have pitied her, but all I felt was loathing. All I saw was ugliness. I squeezed my eyes closed and felt the familiar stream of tears on my face. Drawing in a deep breath, I held it for a time before steadily releasing it.
I chanced to take another look at the girl in front of me. My own figure stared back from the mirror. Her bloodshot eyes, filled with tears, were my own. The trembling hands belonged to my own aching body. I saw this imperfect being as something entirely devoid of redeeming quality. I hated myself.
I hope that this is one post that you cannot relate to, but I am laying my heart out on the line for even one person that looks in the mirror and sees nothing but flaws.
It has been drilled into my head that a woman with confidence is attractive. If confidence is attractive, then I am the ugliest thing known to man. It becomes a downward spiral of self-deprecation (and not in the adorable, laugh-off-your-insecurities sort of way). I feel unattractive because I lack confidence in who I am, confident women are attractive…Well, there you have it.
Where did I get this distorted view of myself? Was it really the years of catty girls and bullying that broke me? I am sure it did not help. I was alienated and hurt multiple times for trying to fit in. Eventually, I gave up attempting to be what they wanted me to be and fell into a deep hole that we will call seventh grade. For the record, I hated seventh grade but that is not the point I am trying to make. I could sit here and speculate how deeply rooted this self-loathing is, but then I would be writing a book, not a blog post.
In the past ten years, my online presence has grown. No, no, I am not a celebrity, I just have my own profiles on numerous sites both defunct and current. I followed the flock in an attempt to keep up with the times. I was curious what old classmates were up to. I wanted to keep in touch with friends. We all kept migrating until many of us landed on Facebook. Ah, Facebook…I have a love-hate relationship with you.
Facebook is just one of several avenues we all have access to to put our lives out on display. I try to offer up a healthy balance of fluff and substance, but it is still only a small glimpse of who I am. I figure, most of the people on my “friend” list know me from school or church, so I let it become far too personal. I realized yesterday, how I keep wrapping up my self worth in the wrong things. At one point, is was a boy. Then somehow it morphed into a craving of acceptance online. A desperate plea to be seen, for someone to scratch deeper than the surface and show they really care. I have moved all of my life, from town to town, country to country, and I have made some wonderful friends along the way. Unfortunately, they are all scattered across the continent. So, I became absorbed with the validation of a “like” on Facebook. Someone saw my picture and took the time (y’know 0.5 seconds) to “like” it! Someone actually read that novel of a status update and commented? Wow! I could sense it happening, creeping up on me. Still, I sit here before my computer screen wondering, When did my self-worth get so entangled in the world wide web?
Growing up, the internet was not a huge part of my life. I simply compared myself to my peers in person. Now, we have the means to share anything and everything with the click of a button. I get lost amidst the sea of selfies, pithy quotes, baby pictures, prayer requests and funny quips people share. I blend into the background. I am part of the scenery. And I am not faulting anyone for this. It is easy to become so inundated with information that your brain starts short-circuiting. Honestly, my eyes have glazed over mid newsfeed-scroll and I begin to stop for pictures only, then I start to skip the quotes, and then I feel badly because someone thought it was worth sharing and I am not giving it the time of day.
I think I miss the days of letters in the mail, written in gel pens and dotted with stickers. I miss the days of e-mails from friends, actually giving me the scoop on life. I miss the days of actually having conversations on messenger. I miss actually feeling a connection with people!
Each time the form of communication shifted, I followed along. I played the game. But I feel a void. I am not speaking of the void that only an all-consuming God can fill. I am referring to a void of meaningful relationships. I don’t make new friends easily. I am shy and awkward beyond measure. I am grasping at straws, trying to find substance in the vacuous world of Facebook. Has everyone else unplugged from real relationships or did they just unplug from me? I used to be able to tell a friend from acquaintance. Now, I can’t tell the difference…or maybe I can and am afraid to admit what some of my friends have become; that we have drifted apart.
We get the cliff notes version of life, the highlights. We get the best foot forward. We get obscure references to major life events, but none of the details. We get a filtered sense of reality and a false sense of belonging. Maybe it’s just me. Maybe I think too much. Alright, there’s no “maybe” about it. I tend to over analyze things. However, this has been on my mind for a few months now (and I have alluded to some of these things before on my Facebook profile), so I felt it time to fully express my thoughts.
What about you? Do you still cultivate friendships, despite long-distance? Do you see a misleading sense of community on social media? I think instead of guessing who wants one of those beyond-the-surface friendships, I am going to simply begin reaching out to my contacts one by one. That should make things clearer. It is not that I take issue with using Facebook as a tool to keep in touch with people you may not otherwise get to talk to, because I think that is a lot of its purpose right there. My problem is that I am trying to use it as more, and that is a good way to get a skewed version of reality.
Ultimately, please remember (and I am talking to myself more than anyone), you are worthwhile. You are valuable. No amount of “likes” or lack thereof is going to change the fact that God loves you more than anyone. He sees you. He knows you. Still, I think it is natural to desire acceptance from our peers. Just don’t let that desire be in detriment to your well-being. And if you start to focus on making others feel how you want to feel, then maybe…just maybe, you’ll begin to have a better outlook too. Stop worrying about how little you feel, make others feel bigger! You just might find that there is a sea of people just like you, feeling invisible and longing to be seen.
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