I originally published this post on March 22, 2010. Though it is five year’s old, much of it still rings true and it also explains the identity crisis this blog has had!
This blog has experienced a few facelifts since its inception nearly five years ago. Its original purpose was to serve as a means to keep my family and friends updated on the goings on in my life. The eighteen year old that posted the initial entries was eager to share about the impromptu outing she just had with her boyfriend and later gleefully announced her engagement to the aforementioned gent. There was a drop off in entries as the wedding plans and a large move took up the majority of my summer but once I was officially a Mrs. I resumed writing menial updates on my life. This blog five years ago was not much more than an online journal that other people were privy to. Then, it became more.
Growing in Christ and my relationship with Him prompted the world around me to press on my heart. It overwhelmed my senses how often an object-lesson crept into my mind, compelling me to spill it out on paper for my readers to likewise learn from. Everyday life made God’s presence very real to me. I saw His provision and teachings in anything from movies to a simple interaction with a stranger. Inspiration for my blog came naturally, as I traversed the first year of marriage and began to truly understand what having a relationship with Christ meant. I could see myself becoming a better person, shedding strongholds of my past and gaining maturity in all aspects of life as a result of this intimacy with Christ and I wanted so much to share this newfound freedom with other Christians. I did not want them to stumble into the
same snares I had many times before.
My blog then turned to cautionary-tales of my own missteps, inter-spliced with admonitions and exhortations. There were still the occasional pithy surveys and fluff updates but as a writer’s work often reflects their soul, so the topic more often than not veered into spiritual matters. This was met with much disdain from people I cared about and as such the very people I was writing for in hopes they would not fail in all the areas I had, just to learn the hard way. Unfortunately, the venomous attack left me wounded, bitter, and lost. This is when my writing became more pointed than I would have perhaps liked. My confidence had been crushed and I spent a few months scrambling to pick the pieces up and put them back into place; my drive and purpose were in disarray but it was not my place to fix. I regressed back to the uncertain girl I had been when I first started writing about what was truly on my heart, backspacing and deleting paragraphs just in case they might offend someone. “Should I be even more candid?” I wondered. If even my closest friends did not realize where I was coming from, could not accept that I had indeed seen my share of pitfalls and was sharing a road map around these snares out of love…then why was I writing?
The question that followed soon became “Who am I writing to?” My friends stopped reading. My family stopped reading. I could hear the crickets laugh when I stepped off my soap box and hit “publish”. I was emotionally spent. An entire year was dedicated to trying to regain the optimism I had once had when writing but without an audience I became even more distraught. How was I going to reach anyone if no one will read? The ensuing year’s worth of publications show the struggle I endured as I tried to sort out my feelings, faith, convictions and hurt. The bitterness, self-pity and sorrow of an immature Christian are very evident but even during that time I was growing. God had not abandoned me.
I have read through many of my writings time and again because if no one else lays eyes upon this blog at least I have been ministered to. The things I share are just as much for me as for anyone else and they serve as important reminders. I am often encouraged to go back and read through my past entries…even the ones where I was still a tad wishy-washy in my convictions. It just goes to show I have grown immensely. Thank God I am not the same eighteen year old girl who started up this blog five years ago. That girl was on the right track but she is still half the woman I am now…and I know that if I let God continue to mould me that I will be able to look back at the twenty-three year old woman writing now and say “Wow, I have grown since then!”
This blog is a reflection of who I am…and who I am is a child of God. In all I do, I want to be a reflection of Christ. I had thought that this blog had broken me. My heart was stone-hard from the rejection and hurt dealt by loved ones and friends not only on here but in person, just for sharing the Truth. But God has been chiseling away at this heart of mine since then and finally, on March 14th, it started pumping again as the stone bits shattered and fell.
What released my heart again? Realizing that all the bitterness and anger I had been building up was a wall. It was what was keeping me from hurting too deeply. Unfortunately, love was not able to escape either and as I sat next to my husband, ready to begin our couple’s devotion time, I felt the wall crumbling. We had gone to a nursing home together after church as part of a ministry with our church. It had left me feeling rather sad inside and as I explained this to my Dearest, it all came pouring out. I shared how much I do care to see people saved. These people are close to the end of their lives and it just hurt to think of this. I wanted them to have the peace that God offers, even in death. I thought of how I wanted to do something meaningful for Christ before I got to that point in my life and not sit there nearing the end wishing I could start over. Then, the tears flowed as I remembered my grandpa who is not saved and how I feel like I have failed him. I thought of the people I push away the hardest and realized they were the people I wanted to see thriving in Christ.
It is easier to get embittered by the affront they cause you in their irreverence for marriage and values you hold dear. It is easier to get angry at them for lashing out or walking out when you speak to even saved loved ones of godly principles. You know it is God at work but it is human nature to take it personally…and when you rarely see some family members, it is easier to keep the boat steady and keep them at arms length. However, as I made this realization I just hurt even deeper. I said “I pray for my parents almost daily because I would be devastated if anything happened to them…but at least I have the console of knowing they would be in Heaven…” As my husband patiently listened to my outpouring I felt terribly as I continued by explaining that it is harder to pray for unsaved family members. If I give thought to losing any of them to a wreck, I know that we would be apart for eternity. The floodgates were wide open at this point my heart was earnestly thumping in my chest. “It really hurts” I told my Love then continued, as if having a one-side dialogue, “I suppose it is better to know that I at least did all I could to see them saved and alienate them for a time on Earth…than to lose them for all eternity”.
It was an excruciatingly emotional hour and a half or so but it ended with prayer and loving, encouraging words from my husband. He held me close and assured me he would make more of an effort to listen to what was on my heart and to be the accountability and support I needed. While it was painful, my heart breaking actually felt so freeing. I felt so good knowing
that my callousness was merely a wall, not a true indication of my character.
My challenge is now learning what God wants me to do with this deep pain I feel for the lost and how to cope with this sadness without letting it consume me. I do not want to shut down again. I do not want Satan to back me into another corner and bound my heart once more. It has already been a struggle but that is why I am sharing this now, so that when I look back on this entry months from now, I will be reminded of how far I have come. And more importantly I will be reminded of Who has been guiding me the entire way.
Leave a Reply