Over the past eight or so months my life has been undergoing
numerous changes, some monumental, others negligible. Many of these changes
have been a result of our first baby being due next month. Preparing mentally,
physically and spiritually for an infant has been taxing on the best of days
but God has brought us through each high and low with grace. I know He is
waiting in the wings even now, ready to take my hand and offer His big ol’
shoulder for me to release my tears upon.
This evening, I feel completely and utterly defeated. A
feeling like this does pass in time but it is hard to remember this simple fact
when in the midst of trying to sort out a whirlwind of emotions versus the
logic of God’s provision and love. Knowing He loves me may not remove stress
from my life but it does help me better cope with it. At the moment, I am in
need of His arms. I want to come to Him in prayer as if He has me in the
biggest embrace because I know that no matter how silly my emotional reaction
to certain stressors may seem to those observing on the outside, He listens
patiently and waits for me to accept His console.
What has me so gloomy this evening? I was chatting it up
about baby stuff with my mom-in-law and she was offering the name of a baby
detergent that was cheaper than the popular brand and worked better. We got
onto what laundry detergent I am using now and I said “Downy”. She looked
confused so I went to get the bottle. At this time I was alerted to the tiny
print on the label that said “fabric softener”. I have been using fabric
softener for months to “wash” our clothing. I was so embarrassed.
Later, I relayed what I had learned to my husband and
attempted to laugh it off. Unfortunately, we both recalled what the plumber who
helped install our new drain field and septic tank had said. He had warned us
of two things: 1) Don’t flush any of those “flushable” wipes; They just sit in
your tank. 2) Do not use liquid fabric softener as it will kill your drain
field.
Up until last month our laundry room had had its own line
that it drained out of, but it got backed up quite nicely one evening. While
washing a load of clothes the water had flowed out of the pipe and flooded our
laundry room. Our septic had been on its way out for months and was finally
showing signs of hobbling on its last leg, so we decided to have the laundry line
routed to the new septic tank when it was installed. I have been using liquid fabric softener exclusively to
wash our clothes since the new one was installed!
So, not only am I completely embarrassed but now I feel
responsible for our laundry drainage being clogged and the cupboard my husband
had to pull out because it got soaked by water leaking from the washing
machine.
I called my Mom for a sympathetic ear and ended up with the
depressing conclusion that I needed to re-wash all the baby clothes I had just
washed. It is not the fact that it amounts to three or four loads worth of
laundry that causes me grief. It is the fact that with my nursery out of
commission while a floor is laid down I have felt like there is little I can do
to prepare for baby. Everything that was in that room is tucked into other
rooms, so baby’s dresser is sitting in our computer room, as is the closet
door. The trundle bed that goes back into the nursery is propped up on blocks
of wood, covered by a tarp on our patio. The mattresses from said trundle bed
are wedged into our bedroom closet as are mounds of baby accessories and gifts
we have received. Nothing is where it should be!
My solace was found in being able to wash our baby girl’s
adorable outfits and then thoughtfully put them away. I have my dresser
organized in what some may deem an OCD fashion. I put my husband’s clothes away
in a similar way, so I thought I would continue the trend and sort baby’s
clothing as well. After a couple re-workings I finally got all the clothes put
away in what seemed like the most sensible order to me. It took awhile but I
was so satisfied yesterday when I saw it all complete and tidy…Now?
I have to take everything apart, unbutton the dresses hung
with their coordinating “diaper covers”, mix all the sizes again, turn things
inside out etc. This may seem like the stupidest thing to be disappointed about
and I suppose that is your prerogative but in my shoes it makes complete sense.
Is it the end of the world? No. It is just one more thing
that I cannot check off my list. It is one more thing that is not done. My
house is in disarray and it is hard enough to know what to tackle next when I
am not re-doing things. I made a dent
in the housework and de-cluttering attempts today but having to undo things
just makes me want to cry.
As I have said, this feeling will pass, I will do what I
have to do and make the best of it. I just really want to feel accomplished.
Hormones are crazy, whacky things and at the moment they are all over the
place. I just want to dust off my hands in satisfaction at the completion of a
task and be able to move onto the next. I want to feel like we are bringing our
baby into a home that is run by a competent Mommy, not someone who cannot keep
ahead of it all. I feel so inferior to the strong Christian women I see raising
kids around me. And this feeling stems far beyond a mistaken laundry cleaner…
Perhaps the issue is really that I need to give it all back
to God. I need to remember that He is the one who will sustain me in parenthood
just as He has in pregnancy. I make mistakes. I get discouraged. It is how I
handle these times that makes me strong or weak, though. There will be bigger
issues than fabric softener in my life and I cannot allow them to get me down.
I have to dust myself off and move on. That is all there is. I cannot undo the
past but in this instance I do at least have opportunity to do it right this
time. So, I’ll just keep plugging on!
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