This is my second attempt this evening at putting my thoughts on paper, so-to-speak… Internet Explorer crashed on me and Windows Live Spaces lacks the automatic save that my other blog does and so I lost my whole preamble. It is probably for the best, though. This way, it is more candid and perhaps having already thought out what I want to convey this will go smoother. (Begun May 15, 2009)
It is hard to believe that this time last month I was barely keeping a grip on my emotions as I tried desperately to shake the chains of fear holding me in bondage. It is likewise hard to believe that just a few days from now it will be a month from the day I finally experienced the peace I craved God would bestow upon me. It was in my grasp. I clung tightly to this peace right up until the world crept back up and consumed me. And so, I would like to remind myself of what this peace felt like. To do so, let me tell you what exactly transpired the day I took my solo flight (and one half-hearted leap of faith); the day God shook my world.
April 18, 2009
I was exhausted when the alarm clock cried out at 3AM. Grudgingly, I dragged myself from the warmth beneath my blankets and started to get myself together. My body quivered from limb to limb and refused to cease as I gathered my last minute travel necessities. The shaking was sickening and I desperately wanted the feeling to go away, so I kept praying. Then, we were out the door.
My husband tried to encourage me during the forty-five minute drive to the airport but to little avail. When we finally arrived, he walked with me up until the first security checkpoint. I kissed him, gave him a long hug and then got in line. It was a pretty short wait so it was not long before I was through security and waiting for the next part where I had to take off my shoes and put all my belongings on a conveyer belt. Tears welled up in my eyes as I turned the corner and my husband disappeared from view. There was no turning back though, so I turned my attention to getting to my gate.
It was not long before we boarded the plane. I felt so alone despite being surrounded by rows of people as I made my way down the aisle to my seat. When I got there, a gentleman graciously lifted my bag into the overhead compartment, because my height deficiency (as for whatever reason it is classified as in my medical records) did not allow for me to hoist it up on my own. Then, I took my place next to a middle-aged woman and a young, teenage boy. I was not sure what to expect but the day before I had finally put it all out on the line to God.
My husband had encouraged me to tell God all of my fears and put forth all my hopes and requests rather than holding back. My burdens were not too much for God. So, I had done so. I sat down, pen in hand, and in my crude attempt at cursive writing poured out my heart among the pages of my prayer journal. I only hoped that perhaps God would know exactly what the most important parts of that prayer to me and fulfill those. Oh me of way too little faith.
The flight unfolded with me slowly unraveling in His arms. My fears started to ebb one by one. I had wondered to God at how nice it would be to potentially be placed next to a Christian…maybe someone that needed me more than I needed them so I could lose sight of my own problems and see someone else for once. I wanted to not get air sick, for there to be little turbulence and of course to be safe. I had desired someone to talk to. Everything my heart had desired and painfully poured out at His feet He gave to me. I found myself sitting next to a woman who proclaimed “Oh yeah, I’m a Jesus girl!” and asked questions about faith and Christianity that I did my utmost to answer from my heart and of course God’s Word. I spoke openly about my God and it felt so refreshing. She shared that she was on her way to see her mother with her son, who happened to be the boy sitting next to her. Her mother had just been diagnosed with cancer and her prognosis was grim. We exchanged thoughts about Heaven and the peace God offers even in death. Even during the time where she decided to take a nap, I was fine. Some turbulence rocked the plane briefly but it was short-lived and I was sustained by my Father. Soothing Christian principles rang through my ears via the headphones plugged into my MP3 player as I wrote out a prayer to Him and then a letter to my friend, the bride-to-be I was going to stay with while in Canada. By the end of the flight I was feeling more confident. Peace was washing over me. Then we landed.
The pilot welcomed us to Boston, which is where my connector flight was and we were told we could now turn on our cell phones and other such devices. Next to me, the lady who I had spoken with throughout the flight checked her messages. Then, she turned pale and knowing her mother was very sick I feared the worst. She looked at me with disbelief, shaken and hurriedly gathered her stuff. “She couldn’t wait ‘til we got there…”, she said, holding back a barrage of tears that I could tell was waiting to fall. My heart broke for her. I knew all too well the sting she must be feeling and yet I cannot imagine losing my mother. I do not want to imagine it. There was nothing I could say to make it better in that moment but I expressed my condolences and told her I would be praying for her. Then, she disappeared into the line of people exiting the plane.
I never thought I’d see her again, until I finally made my way off the plane and paused for a moment outside my gate, trying to find a sign that would point me in the right direction, but she and her son had not gone far. As I passed her by, she called me over and gave me a hug, bid me farewell and left to meet her ride.
As I stood alone once more in the middle of an unfamiliar airport, this surge of adrenaline was pumping through my veins. My mind tried to wrap itself around all that had transpired throughout that morning and my judgment was a tad clouded. One misread sign and some misguided direction led me through security. I thought it odd that I should have to go through all that screening again but went through the motions anyway, seeing as I was in line. When I got through I hurriedly emerged from the throngs of people going through metal detectors and ended up where I needed to be…which was exactly where I had got off my plane! Not knowing exactly what time it was, I was in quite a frenzy trying to make my way to the appropriate gate. Upon finally arriving at the proper gate I found there were no passengers waiting for that flight. The lady at the counter must have noted my panic and asked “Going to Buffalo?” I indicated that was an affirmative and she said they were boarding early and if everyone was on board they could potentially depart early as well. So, I quickly wobbled down the aisle with my cumbersome duffel bag and backpack.
Sitting next to me on this flight was a young boy of seventeen. We ended up talking throughout the duration of the trip, which really helped me. By the end of it I was feeling quite upbeat. We touched down so quickly after taking off. It was smooth and the sun was pouring in through the windows. God truly had a hold of me again.
Of course, I had never thought to arrange where to meet Ashley* (the bride) and the girls picking me up from the airport, so I had a small moment of panic when I wandered into the hoards of people and did not see them. I made my way to baggage claim just to see if they had gone there, but alas they were nowhere to be seen. I decided to take the moment to call my husband and let him know I was safe and well, but I did not have any change and had to make a collect call. It did not work with our phone service and so I opted to call my Mom instead. I will note that a young man came over and asked if I’d like some change to make a call. I declined but thanked him for the kind gesture and marveled at how many things had occurred just like that that I could only attribute to God’s answers to my prayers.
It was so calming. So…refreshing! I felt truly alive for the first time in a very long time. I had survived the supposed doomsday I had believed this day to be. God had wrapped me up in His arms and said “Be still and know that I am God!” I felt optimistic. I had hope. But this was just the beginning. I did not realize how challenging the rest of my time away from home would be.
* Names are changed.
To be continued…
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